Question from a Site Viewer
I have committed a terrible sin. I had a nervous breakdown and went without sleep for 14 nights. A horrible part of me enjoyed the attention I got from everyone. I told God that I didn’t want His love and that I was going to take my life and destroy my family and friends. Before this I was a beautiful person with a big heart who had love and compassion for everyone. Now I feel numb. I think my heart has gone black. I think I have done the most evil thing ever and it never even dawned on me that I was being evil! Will God ever forgive me and give me back my heart? I don’t want to be evil. I want to love again but I think it’s too late and I’ve ruined my life forever!
Thank you for your question. If I understand your question correctly, you felt that before you were a good person with love and compassion for everyone. Then you did something that showed you that you were not the good person you thought yourself to be. You now wonder whether God can forgive you and whether you have ruined your life forever.
In answer to your last question–you probably have ruined your former life forever. But that is not necessarily a bad thing in the eyes of God. Sometimes, we live life thinking that we are pretty good and wondering how other people can so mess up their lives. Then, along comes a temptation and we fall hard. We find that we ourselves share a common community with others who sin. These experiences destroy the illusions we build about ourselves and reveal to us the truth that, like all other people, we desperately need God.
None of us are worthy of God. We all come seeking mercy from our God. When we realize that we are not worthy to stand before God, that we have or will ruin our own lives without Him, then we are ready to live life dependent on Him. God does not cast out the prodigal son or daughter, but rather longs for them to return to Him and freely forgives them when they return. So God will be toward you. God is in the business of taking ruined lives and transforming them into the image of heaven above. He is the God who seeks after sinners. And all who come to Him He will never cast out.
I encourage you not to try to turn back to the life you had before, but to turn to the God who has a far better life planned for you. Do not live according to your feelings, but live according to His great and precious promises (2 Peter 1:4). If we draw near to Him He will draw near to us (James 4:8). Read His Word (1 Peter 2:2). Memorize it (Psalm 119:9-11). Seek to love Him with all of your heart and to love others. Do not worry about what others think about you. What they think about you is between them and God. What you think about God and them is what is important in your relationship with God. Be kind to all. Practice the same mercy towards others that God has shown to you. Be compassionate. And pray always about everything.
If you make it the purpose of your heart to seek God, you will find both Him and a life that is rich and full. If you doubt this, then you should return and read Scripture. After Abraham lied to Pharaoh, God still preserved and blessed him abundantly. After Moses disobeyed God in exercising his own pride, God still walked and talked with him. After David murdered Uriah the Hittite, God forgave him and called him a man after God’s own heart. After Peter denied Christ three times, Christ sought him out and appeared to him and made him a pillar in the church. The story of God’s relationship with Israel is that after they had long gone after other gods and done the worst of all deeds, God still sent his prophets to call them back to repentance and repeatedly God expressed His desire that they repent. And Paul, who says that he was the worst of sinners (1 Timothy 1:15), became the great Apostle Paul. So, if you find yourself a sinner, then take heart. It was not to those who are well, but to those who are sick that Christ came (Luke 5:31-32). It was not to the righteous, but to the sinners that Christ came to redeem (Mark 2:17). There is more rejoicing over one sinner who repents than over 99 righteous ones (Luke 15:7).
Come back to Christ and you will find His arms wide open. That is simply who He is as a person.
May the Lord Jesus confirm to your heart His mercy, love and care for those who truly seek Him.
a fellow citizen who has experienced His mercy,