My Wife Does Not Love Me – What Can I Do?

Question from a Site Viewer

My wife does not love me anymore . . .

She was never a strong Christian. We married because she became pregnant. She now has the illusion that she missed her years of going out with friends, getting to know life, etc. She goes out often with her co-workers to bars, clubs, concerts, etc. And with each outing, she drinks. She drinks more and more. She is selfish and doesn’t come home until 6 a.m. or even the next day because she can’t drive with the alcohol in her system. She is disrespectful, always ungrateful with everything, verbally insulting, does not care for our kids the way I believe she should, screams at me and kids when she is irate, sometimes can’t stand to be home and is always impatient with our three young kids. Clearly, my wife does not love me anymore.

When she isn’t working she complains about money and when she is working she complains it’s not enough money. She is always on her phone chatting or on Facebook. It’s the first thing she does when she wakes up and the last thing she does when she goes to bed. I am in love with her, and know God is here with me, but I don’t see him. I am praying for her salvation more than anything now, but she is rebellious. I am trying not to be controlling because that drives her away; she has guy friends and girl friends and sees nothing wrong if they text her at 12 p.m. while we are in bed. She works as a server at a restaurant and now wants to become a cocktail server and then maybe a bartender. I am praying against that . . . not sure if that will help. I do not want to preach. I have done that before and she has threatened to leave and take the kids. She even drives while having a drink or two with my kids. I do not know what to do. I try to love her unconditionally but nothing is working. I am seeking a pastor for counseling.

Tim’s Answer

Thanks for your question. You are taking the best step in seeking out a pastor for counseling. Someone local will be best to work with you in addressing the situation with your wife.

Unfortunately, it appears from what you have said that you love her but she does not love you. One cannot make another love them. Each person must make the decision to love. You can let her know that texting other male friends does not seem to you like she is loving you. You can let her know that her ingratitude does not seem like an act of love towards you. Perhaps she does not see that her actions are not conducive to a good marriage. Or perhaps she does not care.

Without knowing her and you, it is hard to give advice. I think you have done well in seeking to love and care for her. But ultimately, if she is not pleased to be with you, you should let her go if that is what she wants. This is what Paul teaches in 1 Corinthians 7:15.

Sometimes, we are so afraid of losing someone that we tread on pins and needles in our own house. We should fear God and understand that if someone deserts us, though painful and life-changing, such is not the end of life. Our God never abandons us and He will care for His own.

So I encourage you to continue to show unconditional love and to seek to serve your spouse in all things, but also to let her know the things she is doing do not seem to you to be love either for you or for the family. Do not get in an argument over this, simple let her know calmly and if she takes issue with it, let her know that it is simply the way you feel.

And continue to pray for her. Perhaps God will open her heart and give her insight into her need for Jesus. Hopefully she will realize that her greatest opportunity on earth is to be a good mother and a good wife.

My prayers are with you.

A fellow pilgrim,

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