In Search of my Father, I Found Christ
In my great trouble I cried to the Lord and he answered me, from the depths of death I called, and Lord, you heard me!
As I got older I began to exam my life and wonder:
How did my life get so out of control?
Why was I so angry?
Why was I so angry at God?
Why was I addicted to sex?
Who was I and why was I created?
Why was I drinking to get drunk?
Why was I so addicted and compulsive?
Why was I such an extremist?
Why was I making wrong decisions?
Why was I so reckless?
Why was I so rebellious?
Why did I desire to do right, but always made the wrong decisions?
What was the stronghold that was controlling me?
What happened to my joy?
Some days the battle in my spirit was so fierce I felt like there were two personalities within me battling. It was as if two sword fighters were going at it. An invisible battle unseen and undetected by the human eye. Many days I searched for answers as to what was happening to me, but always seemed to come to a dead end.
In Search of my Father, I found Christ is the true story of a boy—now man—whose childhood had an outer appearance of being normal and happy. His mother tries to save him and his siblings by escaping to America, where her son grows up into a seemingly normal man, but is tormented by his childhood and becomes an alcoholic and a notorious womanizer.
He writes and shares his story not to glorify his actions or to blame, but to show the endless grace and mercy of God in spite of the mess he got himself into.
There are days I sit alone in awe, as I reflect over my life and see how many times the Lord sheltered me from harm. I am truly humbled.
One day as I was reflecting over my life I found myself roaming into the past and remembering memories of childhood excitement. I remember it like it was yesterday. Playing outside, as the day turned to night, Mother began calling just as the sun began setting, “Kids, it’s time to come in the house.” As children, that very moment when Mother called seemed to be the climax of our play time, and no child wanted to stop playing. Many children try to prolong their play time. As the darkness deepens, the street lights come on. Some work and some are burnt out while others blink on and off, giving just enough light to see your immediate surroundings. Mother keeps calling, “Children, it’s time to come in the house.” As the darkness intensifies, the call from mother begins to sound desperate. “I said it’s time to come in the house.”
The innocent child continues to play not realizing that the dark of night brings out different players–beasts of the night and predators come out to hunt. No longer is it innocent games of hide and seek, or cowboys and Indians. The rules of darkness are different.
Come into the house, children, where there is light; come into the house, children, for your safety, until the dark of night passes.
Like Mother calling her children out of darkness, there comes a point in life when everybody gets that call, only this time it is from God. Come in from the dark, my sons and daughters. Many times I remember getting that call; that inner voice followed me everywhere I went.
I was not ready. I still desired to play in the dark in spite of the possible dangers.
This time I stayed out too long and got lost. I found myself bound by the pleasures and addictions of darkness. After a while the pain of abusing my body, mind and spirit became unbearable. “Father, where are you?” I cried out desperately, but there was no answer. “I am ready to come in from the dark.” Still there was no answer. I was alone and scared. I was exhausted, hungry and thirsty. The only drink darkness offered to quench my thirst was alcohol; the food was poison.
I believed that God had abandoned me. I believed that my sins were too great. I drank even more alcohol in an attempt to numb the pain and drown the inner voices. I embraced a reckless lifestyle and used sex as a pain killer. I lived on the edge and engaged in the fast nightlife. Days, weeks, months went by. My lifestyle seemed to get increasingly worse. One day without warning I got an unexpected guest—Depression. Depression wanted a piece of me too; depression bound and isolated me. Depression had a hellish grip. It was controlling, selfish, manipulating and unforgiving; it devoured me by sinking its claws deep into my mind, body, spirit and soul. I was suffocating spiritually. Physically I looked and seemed well but spiritually I was bound, torn and critically wounded. I was in excruciating pain. Some days I looked at myself in the mirror to see if I was bleeding on the outside but could not see the wounds or the eventual scarring.
I cried out to God,
“Why have you abandoned me?”
“Why did you create me to suffer?”
“If I am your child why don’t you help me?”
“Why must I carry the sins of my father?”
“You created me this way. Why?”
“What kind of God are you?” Still only silence.
I cried out desperately not remembering the countless calls from God to come to him and leave the deeds of darkness. Many times these calls were gentle whispers that I often tried to silence by drinking more and more alcohol.
On April 5, 2002, after trying to fight off the torment of depression, overpowered and defeated, I finally gave into the demands of depression.
I made one more desperate cry out to God.
“FATHER, FORGIVE ME FOR I AM A SINNER; FORGIVE ME FOR NOT HAVING THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE.”
Shortly after, I closed my eyes. I could not fight anymore. This was the end. I put the pedal to the floor and drove into the arms of death. By this time I felt no fear of physical pain. The spiritual pain seemed unbearable. Upon impact I recall a loud BANG! I felt the wind knocked out of me. Shortly after, I heard a voice whisper IT IS OVER. I sighed from relief as well as exhaustion then felt a heavenly peace. It felt like I had come out of battle. Shortly after, I fell into a deep sleep. It felt like the best rest I had in a long time. However, medically, it is termed a coma.
To be continued . . .
My life has not been the same since that day.
On seeing the extent of my injuries, the doctors concluded that I would more than likely not make it out of surgery and that if I were to survive the surgery, I certainly would not walk again due to spinal injury. I had sustained a crushed right leg, cracked left knee, torn aorta, broken ribs, broken nose, broken left arm, collapsed lung and a series of cuts and bruises. Not only did I survive the surgery, I am 100% fully recovered today. All praise be to God. I live a purposeful life now. I share my story, hoping to encourage and inspire others who might be embarking on a similar path.
Deception would have many believe that their situation is unfixable or that their sins are too great and it’s too late. God is so merciful—more than we know. His ways are certainly not like our ways.
Life is worth living. As God has forgiven and healed me, he will forgive and heal you too. There is no sin too great for God to forgive; there is no pain or wound too deep for Him to heal.
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10
Because of my extreme level of unbelief that Satan exists as well as my doubt of the power and realness of a living God I was shown with the same extreme measure that Satan does exist and more importantly that God is real and today understand that I am in need of God’s love and protection. I am no longer strong in myself but soley dependent on him and his word.
I now understand salvation.
In him I have found everything I need and have longed for.
I NEVER KNEW HE WAS ALL I NEEDED UNTIL HE WAS ALL I HAD.
As it was once said to me: “You have tried everything else. Why not try Jesus? After all, what do you have to lose?”
The Bible tells us that your eternal salvation is secure!
. . . that if you confess with your mouth the Lord Jesus and believe in your heart that God has raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
The simple prayer that saved and changed my entire life
Father, forgive me for my sins. I confess with my mouth that Jesus died on the cross to pay the price for my sins. I believe in my heart that on the third day Jesus was raised from the dead. Please wash me clean from all sin, shame and guilt. Come into my life, Jesus, to be my Lord and Savior. Govern my life and order my footsteps from this day forward. I pray this prayer in JESUS’ name, Amen!