As a child, Taylor was exposed to sexual activity. As she grew, this exposure had a profound impact on her development. Keep reading to see how God gave her freedom from sexual addiction and a new life in Him.
When my mom was a baby she was involved in a tragic accident that ended up killing my grandmother, and paralyzed my mom from the waist down. She was only a year old when the accident happened, but God was on her side when she was in that accident.
She ended up surviving the accident, but ended up with lifelong injuries. Doctors ended up telling my mom that she would never be able to have kids. Well, God blessed her with two: my brother and me.
My mom grew up as a Christian, and my dad grew up as a Mormon. When I was younger my family would try going to many different churches, but my dad just didn’t want to go anymore, so we all just didn’t go anymore altogether.
I was brought up with a Christian background, but since we didn’t go to church, I really didn’t know much about it to know for myself what I believed. When I was around three or so I had learned from a family member about sex from sexual acts that happened. I was so young that I didn’t really understand.
When I was around five or six I had learned about adult films, and I had ended up becoming an addict to that. We had TV’s in our rooms at the time, and I was watching it all the time. All of those things just felt so normal, because it was what I was exposed to.
Once I got old enough to realize all those things were wrong, I felt so ashamed, and I hated myself. I resented myself; I didn’t want to be me. I hated the thought of sex. I was mortified by it. I thought, even if God does exist he hates me too, and I can never be forgiven.
Once I got into middle school I struggled to make friends; I would get picked on at school because everyone thought I was weird. I ended up struggling with depression, and developed really bad anxiety. I had a hard time talking to anyone. I was afraid of everyone, and everything. I remember having really graphic terrifying dreams often about death, and I developed bad insomnia.
While I was in high school I had two friends, and we were really into wrestling. We had ended up making these wrestling profiles on a site, and I ended up meeting a boy on the site, and we would talk all the time. We had an on-off kind of relationship for about three years. It just seemed easy, and I didn’t have to be physical with him. I didn’t even want to kiss a boy or anything like that. I just found it repulsive.
After that relationship, I got into my first real-life relationship. It started out good, and he was sweet, and then it ended up becoming an abusive situation. He would always pressure me into having sex with him, but I would tell him repeatedly that I didn’t want to, and I would make up all these excuses to not do it with him. So I ended up just doing things with him anyways, because I felt like I had too. He made me feel horrible about myself everyday, but I thought all of those things were normal.
While I was dating him I had this friend that was a girl, and I developed feelings for her, and I started questioning my sexuality. I ended up having a thing with her while still being with him. She told me it wasn’t actually cheating if it’s with another girl. I was unsure about what I wanted to do, or be with, so I started avoiding both of them, because that was what I did best.
Still with that same guy, I started hanging out with another guy, and we became instant best friends. We had so much in common, and it was so easy to talk to him. He was the first guy to treat me with such respect. He made me feel loved, and I loved that feeling.
I had fallen so hard for this guy. It was so hard to stay away from him. He had a girlfriend that lived states away, and I ended up having a thing with him while we were both still in relationships. I felt so horrible about it. I hated myself for it, but I thought I was so in love with him.
I ended up breaking up with the current boyfriend, because the new guy helped me gain the courage to do it. But the new guy ended up breaking my heart pretty bad, and it took almost two years to get over.
During this time, I was trying so hard to forget about him, and I was talking to a lot of people, girls mostly. After that I didn’t want to date guys anymore, and I had started exploring more with girls.
I ended up getting back into old habits with the pornography, and masturbation, and it started consuming me. All that sexual addiction that I had as a child came right back, and I hated myself for it, and I hated what I was doing, but I felt like I couldn’t stop.
I was so selfish; all I wanted was to be loved, and I was looking for it in all the wrong ways. I was looking for it through lust. I was so lost, and I hated myself. I would think, God why did you create me? I didn’t understand. I resented myself.
I had ended up getting a friend who would become my best friend. We did everything together; she was like my other half. I ended up getting feelings for her, and I had come out as a lesbian. She ended up going through changes, and decided she didn’t want me in her life anymore, and I took it pretty hard.
I hated myself so much more. I thought about suicide every day. I was cutting. I started smoking and drinking. I watched pornography and masturbated every day. I hated the person that I was; I felt trapped and thought I was never going to be free.
During this time I met this girl, and we started dating for a little bit. I started to gain feelings for her a little, then she went back with her ex. While I was working at a job I had, I met a guy, and he was really sweet, and we ended up dating. He became my boyfriend, and he was the first person I fully had sex with. We ended up moving in together, and things were really great.
During this time, I started trying to reach out to God more. I would pray every night, but I still felt like he wouldn’t forgive me, because at this point I had done a lot of horrible things.
While I had been living with my boyfriend, I ended up getting really jealous and upset all the time. We were arguing a lot, and I was afraid that he would run back to his ex, like my ex did to me.
I was going to school and working, and I had a full load on my plate. My anxieties started getting to me so bad. It was awful. I was scared all the time about everything. I even started fearing that I was sick, or that something bad was going to happen to me, or that I had an STD or something, while being afraid to go to the doctor.
I finally ended up going to the doctor like seven times in a matter of a month, because I thought all these different things were wrong with me, all for the doctors to tell me that nothing was wrong.
One night I had been having a real hard time from work and school, and I had eaten some weed brownies, and had been drinking, and I had the worst experience I had ever felt. I felt like something was controlling me, and I could see my body moving, and failing, but I wasn’t controlling myself. I could see my hands crippling, and I was so scared, because I didn’t know what was going to happen. I didn’t want to hurt anybody, but I could not control my body.
After that night my anxiety got so much worse. I would tell my experience to people, and they would say, “Oh, you just had a bad trip.” I knew that wasn’t right because it started happening again, and it would happen at night when I was sleeping.
I started seeking out Jesus more and more. Then one day I started praying all day, and I really accepted him into my heart. I felt this warming presence come over me, and this warmness of calming energy throughout my body, and I just started bawling uncontrollably.
Then the next day I got baptized, and I felt like a different person. I was brand new; I could feel that he was changing my heart, and I could feel his love over me. It was the most amazing thing to have happened in my entire life. I was freed from that demonic possession that I was experiencing, and I no longer craved sex anymore.
Now all my desires are to be with him, and in his presence continually, and to bring people to him so that they can experience that love. My desire is for everyone to know Jesus, and for everyone to feel his love. If you are reading this, and you are unsure about your faith, I encourage you to keep seeking him; he loves you no matter what you have done.
He can take all of those burdens from you. He is loving, and just so happens to be the love of my life. I would give everything I have for him. All these things on this earth I don’t need; all I want is Jesus and my father in heaven. Please don’t give up if you are reading this! I pray for everyone to get to experience his love.
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