Sometimes in life we all go through a stage where we think that everything is all good and that we have it made. Speaking of myself, I thought that I had time to do what I wanted to do and say what I wanted to say and go where I wanted. I started down a road I wouldn’t even wish on my own enemies—a road that left me all alone and afraid as well as messed up. I don’t blame anyone for my mistakes or failures. I take responsibility for my actions and decisions that I made over the years I wasted.
I really don’t know where to start, but I am just going to start with this. As a child I really didn’t have a joyous time from a very young age. I could only remember the pain and suffering I have had to go through. I never thought that my life would be filled with such pain and afflictions until these things started to happen to me. I was raped, sexually tamed and messed up, and I did drugs and all kinds of evil things. We as a race of people don’t take the time to look at what causes these things to happen. And when these things happen to a child, in his mind he is broken and in his spirit he seeks rest but none is found. And this allows all kinds of demons to enter and work through that weak child and then it will take only God to deliver him.
So many times I asked myself—why me? Why did I have to be the one to go through these things? I still wait for an answer to define the reason why. I tried to talk to others but they used it for their own gratification and goals. They seem to care but as soon I leave they tell everyone else and want my weakness to boost their lust. Even down to my family—they don’t care for me. They act like they do, but I know they don’t . All my life I tried to hide the pain and the hurt in drinking and smoking and sex and drugs. My drug list included cocaine, marijuana, popping pills, and having same sex relations and that is what I regret the most.
We don’t realize that sex can be an drug as well as an addiction and it became an addiction for me too. I used it in search of love and just to feel safe and fit in with others. I sold my soul and body to the flames of same sex relationships and they grew to where I couldn’t even go to sleep at night for guys knocking at my door. They wanted to have sex with me. I am not bragging, but I did it my best. They would say that they couldn’t find anyone else that could do the things I could do or make them feel the way they did when they were with me. They started to fall in love with me to the point where they would come around and watch me. They would keep me under their radar and keep me in view to see who I was with. So I started to sell my body. I gave sex in exchange for money and that is how I got most of my things in high school. My classmates wondered why I never lacked for anything in school. They thought that I got whatever I wanted but the truth is they did not know what I was doing to get the things I needed.
I am going to fast forward to now and what has been going on. In 2010, the last two weeks of August, I went to sleep and I started to dream. In this dream I was watching these guys make corn whiskey in this factory and as they were turning the whiskey they would be submerged into the whiskey and when they came to the top they were the color of pure gold. I asked why they were not drowning and it seemed not to bother them at all. So I walked outside of the factory where this woman and her boyfriend had been bitten by snakes. One was bitten in the chest and the other many times. As they were rushed to the hospital I could feel their pain, fears and death. I was going through the same thing as if I had been bitten myself. When they arrived at the hospital they both died, but I woke up shaking with fear and having trouble breathing. I started to pray to God above. I told him that I wasn’t ready to die. I was messed up and there was no way that he would accept me the way I was. I was praying in fear and in faith that he would hear me.
I went back and forth to the hospitals racking up huge bills that I knew I couldn’t even start to pay back. All I knew was that I needed to go to church and try to get my soul and my life right. I went with my cousin and I still wasn’t satisfied. I had pressure to go to a pleasant home church. So I listened and there I started to understand what was going on with me. It was God pulling me out of the darkness into the light. He was washing me from the past hurt and the past pain that was sitting quietly in me. He broke me down to the point of humbling myself and being broken down isn’t fun. But I know it was for my good and I told God that if he saved me and filled my with his Holy Spirit I would be willing to do whatever he wanted me to do and say. And now I am waiting for that promise and complete boldness to stand and tell my stories so that others who are in my shoes can have a way out because I know that I am not the same.
I have no desire to go back to what I was brought out of. I am still battling some things but I told God that I will not give up on Him nor turn and go back to the worldly way of living. And people, I thought that it would be easy to serve Him and live right but boy, was I wrong and big time. It is hard but I don’t want it any other way.
Lord Jesus, I will hold on to Your love and promises and I need you still. I can stand and say that I need Him more and more. Sometimes I don’t know where I am going or what is going on with me in my body. It is crazy and fearful, but I choose to hold on to Jesus. I believe he will show up and show out in my life so that people can be saved.