I felt depressed during my freshman year of High School. I couldn’t concentrate, I had low test scores, I was just wandering through life–not having a purpose or an identity. I thought that if I could find my purpose in this life I would be motivated and then I could truly begin to live.
My sister thought I could use some help from the Sylvan Learning Center to improve my writing and essay skills. I went, but I didn’t really study. I felt guilty about not telling my sister the truth–that I was really just playing games on my computer. Playing games and watching stuff on the computer was a way of escaping my life but it only made things worse. I found out that it is an endless cycle that does not satisfy. After you get something you desire something else and the cycle begins again and never stops. When my sister caught me playing instead of studying, I tried to make excuses but that didn’t work. I found out through experience that once you tell a lie it becomes a habit and you become afraid of telling the truth. When I told her the truth (that I was playing and not studying), I felt guilty for doing bad things when I should have been studying.
At the end of my sophomore year my sister recommended that I to go to Princeton Review for the SAT. I went to those classes and once again I didn’t really concentrate on studying. When the teacher gave us homework, I didn’t feel like doing it and played on my computer and watched television instead. When the next time for the SAT Review test came, I just looked at the answers in the back of the SAT Review book and copied the answers to the questions. By doing this I did not learn anything and once again I felt guilty. I lived in fear of getting caught by my sister and of having to make excuses for my behavior.
Things started to change when I had enough of the lying, excuses, guilt, and depression. I had to think about what my purpose for living was. I went to church one Sunday and the weather was sunny and there were white clouds. It was Baptism Sunday and after the baptism my Sunday school teacher gave a free Bible to Emily in my Sunday school group. But Emily didn’t take it so I took it and carried it home. I felt drawn to it and I wanted it. The Bible was a paperback and looked nice. On the cover was a blue sky with “Holy Bible” written in white letters. When I started reading the Bible I read what Jesus said on the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus said God blesses those who depend only on Him. They belong to the kingdom of heaven! God blesses those who are treated badly for doing right. God will bless you when people insult you, mistreat you, and tell all kinds of evil lies about you because of Him. Be happy and excited! You will have a great reward in heaven. People did these same things to the prophets who lived long ago. This really made me happy and gave me hope and joy because in the past I have been bullied by people for no reason. If God will bless me then I will endure everything that they do to me and I won’t seek revenge because God will judge righteously and take revenge for me.
A few weeks later in September I went on Internet websites such as You Tube and played Christian music that made me happy as the verses in the songs gave me encouragement. Then later on in You Tube I found a guy that talked about depression, temptation, sexual addictions, why masturbation is a sin and other things. He also talked about prayer, the Bible, Jesus Christ, and heaven and hell. From what he said I learned more about the problems in my life and God gave me the solutions to them one at a time for each of my problems. Each problem that I overcame was because of God and I am very thankful that we have such a loving God. As I followed the Lord’s way I tried to do less of the sins. I confessed my sins of lying to my sister and everyone else, lust of women, hate, cheating, stealing, jealousy, and other sins that I confessed and repented of. Repenting means turning away from sins and not to do them again even when tempted to do them.
I did not feel good about watching television shows such as Smallville, Glee, Hellcats, Simpsons, and others. While watching these shows I was not myself and felt the television controlling me. I felt the television controlling me because my mind was only on the television and when my grandma would tell me to do something while I was watching I would not do it. The television is full of lies and when we believe in those lies it appears to us as reality but it is really just a lie. My conscience told me that it was wrong. I followed my conscience and went upstairs and prayed to God to destroy my desire for watching so much T.V. The desire was so tempting because the devil was trying to stop me from living a born-again life. Being born again is not living for yourself and not living for your desires but living for Jesus Christ the Son of God. It also means replacing the flesh with The Holy Spirit and becoming a new creature. Even though I had strong desires for watching television, I held on by praying to God and God destroyed my desires to watch so much. I cried while I was praying; the tears showed sincerity. I repented of watching television and lost the desire to watch it. Then I was filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit and I received this joy as a sign from God that I was forgiven from my past sins. I went on You Tube and sang Christian songs and continued my joy for the next forty minutes. It was one of the happiest days of my life. After the joy subsided I received a peace in which I am never bored. I now have the Holy Spirit in me.
I can now concentrate on studying for my classes in high school. I do my homework. I read the Bible daily to gain wisdom, joy, and knowledge. I play handball, go running, and play other sports. I’m making new friends who are a good influence on me. I am working hard, growing as a person on the inside and getting closer to God as he leads me through my life. I increased my GPA significantly from a 84.33% to a 90.50% average. When I showed my 90.50% average to my sister, she gave me a high five and was happy for me. I now have a purpose in this life and that’s respecting and obeying God. This makes me happy, confident, honest, joyful, self-controlled, loving, diligent, and so much more.