Maureen’s Christian Testimony – You Can’t Hide Forever

I was raised in a Christian/ Catholic home. My grandmother is a Christian, (more of the traditional type, actually), my mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian. By birth, I, too, am also a Christian.

As a child, I could barely remember if I was religious or not; my memories are scattered as to if I prayed, or even believed at all. But I do know one thing–I do remember that I looked at the Lord Jesus as an older brother of some sort, and maybe at one point, I looked at Him as if He were my best friend.

Then, at one point, due to some challenges in life, I seemed to lose my grip on Jesus, the man I called, “bro.” And in a few years, by the time I was in the ninth grade, I had proclaimed to the world, “I’m an atheist.”

I was then surrounded by agnostic friends, people who were not entirely sure about their belief in God, but I was different. I didn’t feel apprehension as to if I believed in God or not; I had proclaimed myself to be an atheist. I simply didn’t believe.

My Christian Living and Education teacher had always urged me about my faith, and said that it was a gift that I should willingly receive from God. I looked at him and scoffed and said, “You don’t respect my beliefs.”

How truly wrong I was. I began hurting Christians, especially my family. The Pope had arrived in the Philippines and I did nothing but mock him. I’d say things like, “People are revering this man rather than God! How pathetic.” My mom and I would get into heated arguments about it. She would fight on God’s side, and I would fight with the atheists. It caused a rift between us.

Flash forward to my birthday. We visited a grotto, and my mom and I got into another heated debate about miracles. I had resisted her, and said, “I don’t believe in miracles. You all are just fanatics.” I was mocking people here and there, other than my mother, and what’s worse was that I was mocking God. Mocking his power.

She ignored me and continued on the trail to reach the grotto, and up there, I was mesmerized to see her pray. And in the moment of my subtle guilt, I had folded my hands in prayer and subtly talked to him, awkwardly.

It was sad on my part, honestly. I had always thought that God had abandoned me throughout my struggles that year, which caused my unbelief. But really, He didn’t abandon me. I had abandoned Him. I had grown troubled, fearing death, fearing His wrath, and I hid.

I re-examined my life. “Who am I?” I’m a sinner, a blasphemer, and a persecutor. And I thought I was predestined to go to hell. There was no salvation for me. I had hurt not only His people, but Him. I dishonored my father and mother, used His name in various curses and vanities, relied on science rather than Him, felt unbelievable anger to the point I contemplated murder, stolen goods, and felt jealousy and hate. I had broken His law, in the most unimaginable way possible.

I was scared. I continued to hide my face in shame. I couldn’t talk to Him properly, and when I would, even until now, I would cry. I would shed tears in my shame, in my disgust at myself. For some reason, I felt a wave of peace wash over me. It was subtle, but it was there.

I began to read the Bible. I began to rely on what He said. I began to throw away science. I began to throw away my pride. I began to talk to Him, to fall to my knees, to beg for forgiveness, and to beg for His grace and salvation. I began searching for answers.

Was I saved? Am I saved? Can He really, truly forgive me? Is His sacrifice really enough to bring me to heaven? Does heaven exist? Am I going to heaven with my family? Are my agnostic friends going to burn in hell? Is there an afterlife? Who am I talking to? Do I really believe in this? So many thoughts and questions passed through my mind and believe me, I don’t know all of the answers. I wasn’t sure. I was second-guessing myself.

Then, I stumbled across a YouTube video of God’s letter to His children, and it seemed, specifically at that time, to be directed to me. The letter consisted of what God had said in the Scriptures and what He had assured His children in the Bible.

Upon seeing the words, “I am not distant and angry” in the letter, the words, “I am waiting for you,” and “I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love,” I had already been bursting into tears, crying my eyes out, and sniffling in the dead of the night.

He was God, and yet He gave up EVERYTHING for me, when He could just condemn me to Hell (I mean, that was faster). He really loved me. I had scorned Him, yet He had spoken to me. I had cursed His people, and yet He hugged me tighter in his embrace. I had rejected Him, abandoned Him, and yet, upon seeing me from afar (with which I still am in), He came running down to meet me, His child, His daughter, a sinner. Upon this, I began to be reassured that I was saved, as I started to believe.

I began to be more wary of my actions, to hate what I used to do in the past, to hate what I had said to people, to hate anger, to hate lies, and to hate blasphemy.

I began to make things right with the people I had wronged, and to forgive the people who had hurt me (and the people who continue to hurt me). School’s coming up soon, and I feel no resentment whatsoever to anyone.

I began to walk in fear of the Lord, in fear of His wrath, but then another realization struck: I will stumble again. I may be following the commandments now, but I’m human, and it’s part of our fallen nature to sin. What do I do? I can’t go back to being what I used to be before. I don’t want to go to Hell.

I was scared of making a mistake. I’m still in the process of figuring everything out, but the only reassurance I hold on to now is that Jesus died for my sins. He was an innocent, sinless man who had been humiliated and crucified in front of a jeering crowd, including me.

I still have a lot to learn about fully trusting Him, but now, to you the reader, I’d like you to know that God is real. The doctors will say that all this (belief in God) is a creation of the brain, the chemical psychology of humans, but really, have faith.

I am lost, but now I have felt a glimmer of light. I’m still in the process of following. Jesus has offered me His hand, and in my confusion, I am holding on tightly to his pinky finger.

Every night, pray that your faith be strengthened (that’s what I’m doing right now), pray to rest in Him, and pray that He may accompany you everywhere in life.

Right now, I feel like I can take on the world. Doubts are still in my mind, but I know I have decided to follow Him, to bend my knee, and to believe in Him. My relationship with my family is booming right now, because of Him. My view on the world is lighter now; my view on people is kinder now. All because of Him. Miracles do happen.

A sinner like me, a blasphemer like me, has been saved, and that is the greatest miracle God can ever do for anyone. That is, to make that person His true child. I am still learning to grasp Jesus’s guiding hand, and I may need your help. Right now, I’m asking you to pray for both yourself and for me (if you don’t mind), that I may find rest in Christ, and that I may find all the answers He has laid down for a true and faithful believer. I want to become one with Him.

I am a singer, and right now I can only hope that when I get to heaven, I can sing for Him while being with the people I love the most. I’m not entirely sure if I’m going to heaven, but I can count on Christ, can’t I? He will save me, along with my family. He has saved me once; He can and will do it again.

I can recount my testimony to be of this simple and short story. I had a best friend. His name was Jesus. We played every day and we talked every day. Then, for some reason, He didn’t come, or at least I didn’t find Him in the playground. I got angry, and I stopped coming as well.

A few years later, I came back. I was alone. I was lost. Then, out of the shadows, I saw Jesus by the swing and I stumbled back. “Where were you?”

He kindly answered, “I thought we were playing hide and seek. I merely changed our usual spot in the playground since the swing-sets looked fun.”

I felt tears run down my face. “I missed you,” I said.

He rose from the swing set and smiled. “I know you did. And I missed you too. It was lonely without you. You’re a good hider in hide-and-seek, my child. But you can’t hide forever. For I will always find you.”

And with that, we began to play again. I began to believe again.

See this page for more Christian testimonies.

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